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terrypurple73Nicky thinks i need to make a list of what I really want in a relationship. She probably thinks it would be a good idea if I made a list of what I really want in my entire life, but that's too overwhelming to even think about right now. I made a list maybe five years ago, but it needs revamping. It needs updating. I need to look at those things and say, What do I REALLY MEAN by that criterion?" Nicky says that if we spend time every day really imagining this relationship and what it would be like to be with this person, then it will actually happen. Can I believe that? I do, but more in the abstract than in the actual. It's hard to believe, because the last time I found a person I wanted to be with, he just moved on in to the house. Nicky says I don't need to go searching on the internet or in bars; I just need to imagine it for my life and we will find each other, because we're waiting and searching, both of us.
This is what I know. I want someone who wants to save the world with me. Not who only bitches about the world, but who wants to work at saving it. I want someone who believes in God and wants to talk about how amazing that is. Who goes to church with me sometimes, but also invites all sorts of new ways to pray into my life and our life together. Who wants to ask all the time what God calls us to do and be in our lives. I want someone who pushes me to be the best person I can be, who is gentle with me but sees the potential I have in myself. I don’t want someone who wants to mold me into themselves. I don’t want someone who will let me mold themselves into ME. I want someone who will let me be nervous, because they're nervous too. I want us to both initiate the hard conversations. I want to not feel stupid or embarrassed. I want to never feel inferior. I want us to be impressed by each other, continually. I want someone who trusts that the world and all its people are good. I want someone who makes me laugh all the time, and I want someone who thinks I’m hilarious. I want someone who at their core is happy and confident, even though I know they aren't always. I want someone who believes that we make a difference in this world. I want someone who gets Community and who understands why it’s important and inspiring to get arrested for things we believe in. I want to be with someone who loves to snuggle and who wants to take the physical part of our relationship at the same pace that I do. They could even make the move on the first kiss- I’d appreciate that. I want us to have fun together- to get a kick out of the same things and not want to spend lots of money to entertain ourselves. I want someone who is smart and passionate about things that I’d never thought would be so fascinating. I want someone who’s a good kisser and I want us to be attracted to each other even when we’re ridiculous grungy messes. I want someone who knows what to do with me when I cry, who will hold me and let me hold them. I want someone who will be scared and sad and cry to me when they're hurting. I want someone who wants to make their broken heart whole again by delving deep into relationships with God, dear friends, and humanity. I want us to be able to talk for hours and hours, someone who loves to be serious and who loves to make jokes. I want us to fall in love with life and each other over and over again and be amazed by that.
This all started with Nicky asking me if I'd ever really asked for what I want in a relationship. And I said no, because I'm scared because it's all too big. That's why I cried so much at Mass over at CVV on Monday night- the priest talked about forgiveness, and I'm most deeply struggling with that these days with Christian. It apparently takes a lot of emotional energy to stay so mad at him, because I cried at least twice during Mass just thinking about it. The priest said that when Jesus came, he didn't restore things back to how they were before people were so hurtful to each other, but he instead made things even better. People didn't forget the hurts that had happened to them, but they absorbed the hurts and moved on. I'm too scared to do that, to attempt to make the relationship better with Christian because it's too big; I don't even know what that would look like. It's easier to have control over what that looks like now, even if it's not good. I don't like to put effort into something that isn't going to work out. That's why my stories have starts and characters, but no plots. I don't want to put effort into it and then do it wrong or have it turn out badly. And I put a lot of time and effort into Christian and our relationship, and I feel right now like that's all gone down the tubes. It practically feels wasted. Nicky pointed out, though, that I learned quite a bit from that relationship, even if it's not in an ideal form now. And she asked what the worst thing would be if I wrote and finished a story that others didn't like. Turns out, nothing- I've never dreamed of writing as a career, of putting real work into publishing. I write for fun and because I'm good at it and because I have stories to tell- not because I want to do it full-time or for money and expectations. She has good points, that girl. But I did cry a lot to her about all the things I'm afraid to do, to finish, to change, because I want to know that they'll be worth it. She gently and genuinely asked at one point, "Do you ever want to talk to someone about these things?" "Sometimes...." Maybe I will, sometime.
This is what I know. I want someone who wants to save the world with me. Not who only bitches about the world, but who wants to work at saving it. I want someone who believes in God and wants to talk about how amazing that is. Who goes to church with me sometimes, but also invites all sorts of new ways to pray into my life and our life together. Who wants to ask all the time what God calls us to do and be in our lives. I want someone who pushes me to be the best person I can be, who is gentle with me but sees the potential I have in myself. I don’t want someone who wants to mold me into themselves. I don’t want someone who will let me mold themselves into ME. I want someone who will let me be nervous, because they're nervous too. I want us to both initiate the hard conversations. I want to not feel stupid or embarrassed. I want to never feel inferior. I want us to be impressed by each other, continually. I want someone who trusts that the world and all its people are good. I want someone who makes me laugh all the time, and I want someone who thinks I’m hilarious. I want someone who at their core is happy and confident, even though I know they aren't always. I want someone who believes that we make a difference in this world. I want someone who gets Community and who understands why it’s important and inspiring to get arrested for things we believe in. I want to be with someone who loves to snuggle and who wants to take the physical part of our relationship at the same pace that I do. They could even make the move on the first kiss- I’d appreciate that. I want us to have fun together- to get a kick out of the same things and not want to spend lots of money to entertain ourselves. I want someone who is smart and passionate about things that I’d never thought would be so fascinating. I want someone who’s a good kisser and I want us to be attracted to each other even when we’re ridiculous grungy messes. I want someone who knows what to do with me when I cry, who will hold me and let me hold them. I want someone who will be scared and sad and cry to me when they're hurting. I want someone who wants to make their broken heart whole again by delving deep into relationships with God, dear friends, and humanity. I want us to be able to talk for hours and hours, someone who loves to be serious and who loves to make jokes. I want us to fall in love with life and each other over and over again and be amazed by that.
This all started with Nicky asking me if I'd ever really asked for what I want in a relationship. And I said no, because I'm scared because it's all too big. That's why I cried so much at Mass over at CVV on Monday night- the priest talked about forgiveness, and I'm most deeply struggling with that these days with Christian. It apparently takes a lot of emotional energy to stay so mad at him, because I cried at least twice during Mass just thinking about it. The priest said that when Jesus came, he didn't restore things back to how they were before people were so hurtful to each other, but he instead made things even better. People didn't forget the hurts that had happened to them, but they absorbed the hurts and moved on. I'm too scared to do that, to attempt to make the relationship better with Christian because it's too big; I don't even know what that would look like. It's easier to have control over what that looks like now, even if it's not good. I don't like to put effort into something that isn't going to work out. That's why my stories have starts and characters, but no plots. I don't want to put effort into it and then do it wrong or have it turn out badly. And I put a lot of time and effort into Christian and our relationship, and I feel right now like that's all gone down the tubes. It practically feels wasted. Nicky pointed out, though, that I learned quite a bit from that relationship, even if it's not in an ideal form now. And she asked what the worst thing would be if I wrote and finished a story that others didn't like. Turns out, nothing- I've never dreamed of writing as a career, of putting real work into publishing. I write for fun and because I'm good at it and because I have stories to tell- not because I want to do it full-time or for money and expectations. She has good points, that girl. But I did cry a lot to her about all the things I'm afraid to do, to finish, to change, because I want to know that they'll be worth it. She gently and genuinely asked at one point, "Do you ever want to talk to someone about these things?" "Sometimes...." Maybe I will, sometime.
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Date: 2008-01-11 02:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-11 04:46 pm (UTC)btw you know you can always call me if you need a break.
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Date: 2008-01-20 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-20 10:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-20 10:20 pm (UTC):)
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Date: 2008-01-22 09:37 pm (UTC)I was just thinking of you cuz we're going to see avenue q tonight! the internet is for porn, don'tcha know. :)