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Jul. 9th, 2005 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73Once upon a time, Theresa went on what felt like a vacation. She went home for a while to visit her family and home friends, away from Denver, on a trip that on the surface felt a lot like just a vacation. Certainly, when she returned to Denver in a few weeks, she would go back to the same house, the same roommates, the same job, the same lifestyle, that she had just last week.
Except apparently, I’ve been home for a week now, and even though it feels like just a trip home, somewhere underneath that surface my other-conscious can tell the difference. It feels okay to sit around on the internet doing nothing all day, but every evening when I get a handful of emails from my CVVs, I can’t stop grinning and laughing at the computer screen. Part of me keeps thinking that when I go back to Denver, Lisa will have had a nice visit to Baltimore, but then she’ll move in with me. And Siobhann and Jake will have gone to some weddings, but then they’ll be back for more cooking and praying and hose parties in the backyard. Maureen will have visited her family, studied for med school, and then come back to Denver to play with us. Since this summer is sort of an intermission for me, I think I expect that it is the same for everyone, all 12 of us, instead of only for the half of the group that is actually returning to Colorado. I’m not sure that these sentences are making any sense. I think the gist of what I’m feeling is this refusal to acknowledge that CVV is over, because I think that would hurt way too much. Fudge, I’m tearing up as I type this out. I know that processing this year and its end is a continual thing, so why do I keep stopping the process? It hurts to acknowledge that Maureen (and company) won’t be coming back to Denver.
I wrote Mana a letter last week, a written version of the panic I was having about CVV ending and a return to living with people who weren’t there. She wrote me a letter confirming that I have the best best friend ever, and she reaffirmed that my friends are more than willing to support me, even when I don’t know what I need. I haven’t really felt like calling anyone here at home, even though it feels good to hear from the people who call me. Maybe I need to let people support me, and let myself go past the isolated bubble that is my bedroom.
I keep listening to things that remind me of Denver- Erin Sitton, Studio B, and maybe the Christian radio station. I just keep searching for things that seem like my life at CVV. I know I do this every summer. I need to remember that transition is hard, whether I do it by immersion back into my old life or by isolation from it. Transtition is still rough.
Except apparently, I’ve been home for a week now, and even though it feels like just a trip home, somewhere underneath that surface my other-conscious can tell the difference. It feels okay to sit around on the internet doing nothing all day, but every evening when I get a handful of emails from my CVVs, I can’t stop grinning and laughing at the computer screen. Part of me keeps thinking that when I go back to Denver, Lisa will have had a nice visit to Baltimore, but then she’ll move in with me. And Siobhann and Jake will have gone to some weddings, but then they’ll be back for more cooking and praying and hose parties in the backyard. Maureen will have visited her family, studied for med school, and then come back to Denver to play with us. Since this summer is sort of an intermission for me, I think I expect that it is the same for everyone, all 12 of us, instead of only for the half of the group that is actually returning to Colorado. I’m not sure that these sentences are making any sense. I think the gist of what I’m feeling is this refusal to acknowledge that CVV is over, because I think that would hurt way too much. Fudge, I’m tearing up as I type this out. I know that processing this year and its end is a continual thing, so why do I keep stopping the process? It hurts to acknowledge that Maureen (and company) won’t be coming back to Denver.
I wrote Mana a letter last week, a written version of the panic I was having about CVV ending and a return to living with people who weren’t there. She wrote me a letter confirming that I have the best best friend ever, and she reaffirmed that my friends are more than willing to support me, even when I don’t know what I need. I haven’t really felt like calling anyone here at home, even though it feels good to hear from the people who call me. Maybe I need to let people support me, and let myself go past the isolated bubble that is my bedroom.
I keep listening to things that remind me of Denver- Erin Sitton, Studio B, and maybe the Christian radio station. I just keep searching for things that seem like my life at CVV. I know I do this every summer. I need to remember that transition is hard, whether I do it by immersion back into my old life or by isolation from it. Transtition is still rough.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-10 01:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-10 11:57 pm (UTC)peace,
~Theresa