(no subject)

[terrypurple73]

Today at work we had a celebration of life and memories, remembering the people in our lives who have died. I think the past few days I'm realizing that I'm still getting over the impact of Brenda's death. I still sometimes feel unsafe in my neighborhood. I still sometimes can't get the word "bludgeoned" our of my mind; I'd never had to take that word literally before. When the computer lab at work gets messy, I still wish she was coming in soon; the lab was always spotless after her volunteer shifts. I frequently wonder what Scripture means when it says that Christ came to set the captives free. I have no desire for Brent J. Brents to be free. I don't think I knew anyone before Brenda who had been murdered.... It makes me so sad and so angry that anyone at al has to know anyone who has been murdered. I hate that. I hate that I haven't written about this since it happened, two and a half months ago. I hate that even though the man who almost certainly did this is in jail, I hate how terrified and motionless I felt in my own neighborhood. I hate that she was dead two weeks before anyone found her.

It's hard that this is a part of what solidarity means- mourning alongside the people I work with.

I hate death, but I think I hate violence even more.

I remember Maura telling me to get out of the building the day we found out. I remember going for a walk around the block and for a while only moving my feel about six inches at a time, feeling so paralyzed. I remember talking to the detective later that afternoon with Leslie, and when she asked how they'd connected Brenda to The Gathering Place so fast, he pulled out a copy of the Christmas card I'd written her. I remember realizing what it meant that Brenda hadn't called or shown up for her twice-weekly shifts in the lab for the few weeks prior. I remember talking to a mental health counselor after that, and how impressed she seemed at how put-together I felt at that time. I remember the next morning when I read more articles in the paper. I remember bawling as I ate my breakfast with Lisa and Jake as I read the words "stabbed" and "bludgeoned" in the first paragraph. Jacob showered me with Kleenex. I remember having to leave Mass a few weeks later, on Easter Sunday, because talk of violent suffering made me think and cry about Brenda. And as I read in the paper a few days ago that she probably wasn't sexually assaulted (Brents raped a number of women when eh terrorized the Cheesman Park neighborhood in February), it got me worked up again. No one should ever, ever be killed.

"Is faith a narcotic dream in a world of heavily-armed robbers, or is it an awakening?"
--Thomas Merton, Faith and Violence

Comments

[beekyinchair.livejournal.com]

Here's a hug from Omaha. I miss you and wish you were here so we could talk in person. But I'll give you a call this week and settle for talking over the phone.

[whoiskatie.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you, my dear. I miss you.

[sistermargareta.livejournal.com]

Many thoughts and prayers sent your direction :). Call me sometime - any subject.

[clairdeluney.livejournal.com]

I'm holding you in my thoughts. Take care, my Terry.

Murder

[peachnettie.livejournal.com]

One of my kids was murdered when I was in Ecuador. His throat was slit. They never got the guy who did it.
I'm so sorry, Terry. Sometimes life sucks so much that you can hardly breathe. I hope you'll find some peace in your faith. Whenever someone dies, I always wish I believed in God.

[katydidsmile.livejournal.com]

I feel so surrounded by death this past week that I just can't help being weepy all the time it seems. As I read your reflection, I am holding yet a few more tears in my eyes. Tara, Rosie's good friend from her DR group spontaniously died last week from a blood clot in her lung. I went home this past weekend to visit my great grandma (Memaw) because mom wasn't sure how much longer she would make it. I was thinking about you last night T and wishing for pillow talk. It always feels safe crying with you. Sure do miss you. Why does the world have to be so messed up? In my efforts to pray, I'll be sure to tell God to hold you very close to her heart. You're one of my favorites sweet T.