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Jul. 29th, 2004 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73A little over a year ago, I declared that my personal heaven would be sitting at the front of a boat, speeding around a lake, the wind pressed against my face, squishing my glasses, with me just grinning and grinning.
Tonight, I declare the my own personal hell would be endlessly walking around a lake and over and over again passing people who had made me cry, people who had broken my heart somehow. Never-ending memories walking past me, nonchalantly passing as if they never knew who I was.
I did have a good bike ride tonight, around Starring Lake. I haven’t gone on a bike ride with no destination in mind for a long, long time. On the other hand, I don’t usually have the pressing need to get the hell out of my house. I hate the tension and budding argument, or whatever you’d like to call what was going on between my parents when I finally chose to get myself out of the house.
Last night I went to see “13 Going on 30,” and it was fun, better than I’d expected, but not meant to be too thought-provoking. Well, crap, I got teary-eyed at the part where she went home to her parents’ house and apologized for missing last Christmas. Shit, I’m not going to be home until Christmas, probably. I don’t know. I’m not going to see my family for months. This scares the shit out of me. Why is it that I feel everybody should be dependent on others for transportation for some period of her life, when I am moderately terrified to give up my flight benefits? Why is it that I have been getting stomach aches the past few days, something I never get, which should not be menstrual-related, and when that has never been how my body has reacted to nervousness and stress? How am I supposed to be a good social worker when I do my best to get as far as I can from conflict in my own home? What am I supposed to do without my family nearby next year? Why does there have to be fighting during my last week home? Why is my head doing that buzzing thing it does when I cry a lot?
....
I need to calm myself down. This is ridiculous. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry. I can’t do that. That is not an okay way to deal with this. I am moving, and I have done this before. I should not have to give myself fucking pep talks when I am anxious.
....
I’m calming down. Still buzzing some, but cooling off. Journaling spaces (like computers) should not be placed next to tempting beds, but I stayed out. I know that things will be okay. I know that Denver will be wonderful. I know that some days I will hate that I am there because it means I’m not home, and those days will make me cry, but I know that those days will be vastly outnumbered by days when I know I am in the right place, doing right things.
Love one another, as I have loved you.
Still, I don’t know anything about people, some days.
Tonight, I declare the my own personal hell would be endlessly walking around a lake and over and over again passing people who had made me cry, people who had broken my heart somehow. Never-ending memories walking past me, nonchalantly passing as if they never knew who I was.
I did have a good bike ride tonight, around Starring Lake. I haven’t gone on a bike ride with no destination in mind for a long, long time. On the other hand, I don’t usually have the pressing need to get the hell out of my house. I hate the tension and budding argument, or whatever you’d like to call what was going on between my parents when I finally chose to get myself out of the house.
Last night I went to see “13 Going on 30,” and it was fun, better than I’d expected, but not meant to be too thought-provoking. Well, crap, I got teary-eyed at the part where she went home to her parents’ house and apologized for missing last Christmas. Shit, I’m not going to be home until Christmas, probably. I don’t know. I’m not going to see my family for months. This scares the shit out of me. Why is it that I feel everybody should be dependent on others for transportation for some period of her life, when I am moderately terrified to give up my flight benefits? Why is it that I have been getting stomach aches the past few days, something I never get, which should not be menstrual-related, and when that has never been how my body has reacted to nervousness and stress? How am I supposed to be a good social worker when I do my best to get as far as I can from conflict in my own home? What am I supposed to do without my family nearby next year? Why does there have to be fighting during my last week home? Why is my head doing that buzzing thing it does when I cry a lot?
....
I need to calm myself down. This is ridiculous. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry. I can’t do that. That is not an okay way to deal with this. I am moving, and I have done this before. I should not have to give myself fucking pep talks when I am anxious.
....
I’m calming down. Still buzzing some, but cooling off. Journaling spaces (like computers) should not be placed next to tempting beds, but I stayed out. I know that things will be okay. I know that Denver will be wonderful. I know that some days I will hate that I am there because it means I’m not home, and those days will make me cry, but I know that those days will be vastly outnumbered by days when I know I am in the right place, doing right things.
Love one another, as I have loved you.
Still, I don’t know anything about people, some days.
