(no subject)

[terrypurple73]

I came home from work today angry. Unsure why, but I was pretty agitated. I took a shower, and as I got dressed in my room, I cranked up Ani Difranco. I felt like throwing something, and I didn’t want to look at anything. Anger scares me, when I find myself feeling it. Sadness and feeling overwhelmed- those, I am used to handling. But anger is an emotion I don’t like having to deal with, especially when there is no clear aim for it. I know that the kids tried my patience today, but that’s been tested so many times over the years that it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

I could forget El Salvador so easily. Every time I shower, I don’t have to think of my family there who take pilas, bucket showers. Every time I go to the bathroom, I don’t have to wonder if I should or shouldn’t flush because of the water it wastes. I could go along with life here without a thought about the resources I use. It would be physically easy. I don’t have to keep my pictures close at hand, and I don’t have to go to the library to find ways to educate myself some more about my experiences.

Shannon came over tonight after she, Aaron, Jenn, and I went to a movie. Though I’m now up later than I should be, it always feels reassuring in a lot of ways to know that others feel responsible for the world.

I talked with my mom for a long time last night about rough relationships. A cousin of mine is in what some of my relatives see as a not-so-healthy relationship, and it sparked some discussion with my mom and I. I talked more openly about the way I felt about my and Jon’s relationship and the way it functioned, especially at the end. What we fought about, how it was ‘resolved,’ what was my breaking point, what had led up to that. It’s hard to see someone else going through what seems to be a manipulative relationship. I hate that I’ve been through one, but in retrospect, I’m glad it was when I was 16, instead of now, looking at commitment and much more serious aspects.

I hate feeling agitated, and aldo knowing that I am going to sleep soon, and then I will wake up to bike to work and take care of kids all day. I need something else to occupy my brain besides typing journal entries and playing Snood. Isn’t that why I got books from the library? I’m going to go do a crossword, try to wrap my head around something.

Comments

[manabanana.livejournal.com]

do you remember that one time when we were both so pissed off that we wrote down everything we were pissed off at on pieces of paper and then put them in a little metal can and (burned, i think?) disposed of them?

Not that it helps your current anger.. But I love you. And miss you. Little house is so quiet without you. I'll call you soon. Love you always.

bffffffff

P.S. when you're down here, remind me to show you the 'Aicha' video. Don't ask.

[terrypurple73.livejournal.com]

Of course I remember- I think we stomped on them, ripped them up, and threw them all in my trash can. I remember a lot of yelling that day in my bedroom. That method really worked, no doubt about it.

There's a wind chime hanging above the gooshy purple chair in the front room that is supposed to help remind Little House of me. Not that you are forgetting, and not that it brings my visits any time sooner, but.... I love you and miss you too.

have fun with an Aicha (or something),
love,
~T-Dawg