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Mar. 28th, 2004 03:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73I think I need awfully badly for this year to be over. I don't think that I like saying that. Sometimes I don't think it's true. But when I remember how good it was last summer for me to be at home, to have a break from all that happens here, that helps reassure me that it's okay to want some time off. I love it here so much, I love Community and Creighton and Salvation Army and social work and everyone I know. I don't know how I will handle next year wherever I am when I won't have the solid, amazing, ever-spectacular and ever-supportive group of friends that I have made and held onto over my time at Creighton. It's just that sometimes, it's so difficult to handle everything. I find myself being more and more frustrated with certain things, with less tolerance than I used to have. My sense of approaching or passed deadlines has disappeared; I have no sense of urgency for so many things. This may all sound as if I am being vague, yet I don't know how to be more concrete. I think that I love it here so much, yet I fear that it is becoming too much to handle. This may be evidenced by the fact that I keep crying over stupid things, little things that shouldn’t stress me out or bring me to tears.
What do you do when things are going so well, yet you keep crying and feeling sad? I don’t know why the tears keep coming, and I’m so, so tired of it. I talked to my mom this afternoon for the first time since I’ve been back from break. Sometimes I think those are the only relationships I can handle these days, the ones that I know will last beyond this May. That’s what matters so much about Shannon; we’ve managed this long-distance-friendship for years now, and it’s held so strong. And that’s why Mana has mattered so much; we’ve gone through so many life transition and events that I there is evidence that we last. Yet I don’t know what to think about all my friends here. I have faith in me and Vicky, because, well, I do. But all these other amazing people? Maybe that’s why I have been thinking about/working on Community as an entity lately, because I don’t know how to keep a relationship with someone after I live with them. One-on-one relationships are so important, yet I’m awfully scared of them in a lot of ways recently. Vicky and I did so well, but we had to work at the transition last year, talking on the phone frequently and pushing for our time together, having to adjust to not living together. And now, what do I do with all these amazing people I live with? That I work with? How do I end or transition from great relationships into something new? How do I reconcile the need to take a break with the need to hold onto my friendship so tightly? Where do I find that balance? Better yet, where can I find any balance these days?
Damn it, I’d been in such a good mood for so much of Friday and yesterday. Even though decision day wears everyone out, I thought it overall went really well. Friday’s FAC was awesome, as was Friday All Night. Then we got new roommates last night (two med students from the Dominican Republic for a month), and they’re awesome, and it went really smoothly. I was in such a good mood, and then I just got all teary this afternoon (even after twelve hours of sleep) for little frustrations, things that shouldn’t set me off, like the phone at my house not working (when we have a perfectly functioning one next door), stupid things. Frustration at little stresses of last night that shouldn’t be dwelled on. I think I just don’t have a whole lot of tolerance left in me, and I am not really feeling able to handle stress, nagging, etc. I hate that this makes me function as fragile, weepy, and non-productive. I love that my nature is to not bottle things up inside me, but when my bottle starts leaking, that gets old pretty fast. I hate that this might just be hormones acting up, but I also don’t think that makes my sadness and anxieties less valid.
What do you do when things are going so well, yet you keep crying and feeling sad? I don’t know why the tears keep coming, and I’m so, so tired of it. I talked to my mom this afternoon for the first time since I’ve been back from break. Sometimes I think those are the only relationships I can handle these days, the ones that I know will last beyond this May. That’s what matters so much about Shannon; we’ve managed this long-distance-friendship for years now, and it’s held so strong. And that’s why Mana has mattered so much; we’ve gone through so many life transition and events that I there is evidence that we last. Yet I don’t know what to think about all my friends here. I have faith in me and Vicky, because, well, I do. But all these other amazing people? Maybe that’s why I have been thinking about/working on Community as an entity lately, because I don’t know how to keep a relationship with someone after I live with them. One-on-one relationships are so important, yet I’m awfully scared of them in a lot of ways recently. Vicky and I did so well, but we had to work at the transition last year, talking on the phone frequently and pushing for our time together, having to adjust to not living together. And now, what do I do with all these amazing people I live with? That I work with? How do I end or transition from great relationships into something new? How do I reconcile the need to take a break with the need to hold onto my friendship so tightly? Where do I find that balance? Better yet, where can I find any balance these days?
Damn it, I’d been in such a good mood for so much of Friday and yesterday. Even though decision day wears everyone out, I thought it overall went really well. Friday’s FAC was awesome, as was Friday All Night. Then we got new roommates last night (two med students from the Dominican Republic for a month), and they’re awesome, and it went really smoothly. I was in such a good mood, and then I just got all teary this afternoon (even after twelve hours of sleep) for little frustrations, things that shouldn’t set me off, like the phone at my house not working (when we have a perfectly functioning one next door), stupid things. Frustration at little stresses of last night that shouldn’t be dwelled on. I think I just don’t have a whole lot of tolerance left in me, and I am not really feeling able to handle stress, nagging, etc. I hate that this makes me function as fragile, weepy, and non-productive. I love that my nature is to not bottle things up inside me, but when my bottle starts leaking, that gets old pretty fast. I hate that this might just be hormones acting up, but I also don’t think that makes my sadness and anxieties less valid.
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Date: 2004-03-28 06:10 pm (UTC)love you!
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Date: 2004-03-29 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 12:42 pm (UTC)I hate you and want to hide paper separators from you,
~Victoria