(no subject)
Dec. 25th, 2003 11:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73I had a dance party yesterday afternoon in my room when Outkast’s “Hey Ya” came on the radio. As I’ve said before, I don’t know that anyone could have predicted my amusement and weird taste for this song.
Even with the dance party, though, I couldn’t shake this bizarre feeling I had for a majority of yesterday. I was happy for it being Christmas Eve, and I was glad to have a lot of relaxation time, but.... I just felt off.
I felt anti-social, and I spent a while in the afternoon sitting at the computer listening to Ani DiFranco, Tracy Chapman, and Our Lady Peace- all that calming, Christmas-y music that most people listen to. I just don’t feel like I have a lot to input to conversations, really. I’ve been feeling somewhat withdrawn, and that’s hard to feel around all this Christmas excitement. I think it’s just hard finishing a semester and then having to jump right back into all this rushing and to-do-ness right away. I just got back to MN late Sunday afternoon, and there has been enough to do around here in the first few days that I have been back. Doesn’t feel much different from finals, in some ways. Only instead of packing and writing papers, the time is filled with shopping and cleaning. Instead of rushing to see people before you leave, it’s now time to rush to see people immediately (in some cases, before they leave town again). Instead of eating junk food only since there is no regular sleep or routine schedule- oh wait, I’m still eating mainly munchie foods. And instead of deadlines for assignments, there are deadlines for presents.
I don’t really remember how I spent my time at semester breaks the first two years of college, but since I moved into Community, I know that I have needed the first almost week to just recuperate and wind down. It’s such a weird adjustment, going from the SoP houses to home. Part of me misses my roommates already, missed them before they’d left, or before I’d realized they’d left. Part of me realizes how nice it is to not deal with some petty drama issues, though. Part of me is so used to all that constant commotion, all the constant surrounding of people; and part of me is so glad to be away from that, to have only a few people to need to handle for the time being.
I just need some time to relax, and I’ve been a bit on edge too much to do that.
I spent time the other night with Shannon and Aaron, and that was good. Shannon came over and helped us decorate cookies (a staple for both our diets these days), then Aaron came over for a discussion on physics, gender studies, politics, and the usual topics. After Shannon left, he and I hung out and talked for a bit more, mostly about the problems of not-being-among-the-best-in-our-chosen-majors. It’s refreshing to hear someone else understand exactly what I mean when I say that I’ve had to reconcile the fact that just because I love social work, that doesn’t mean I will automatically get As in my social work classes. Aaron, who I’ve always considered incredibly and amazingly smart (as well as just incredible and amazing in general), understands how I feel, and that reassures me a lot. I’ve been feeling again, as much as I know it isn’t true, that when I earn mediocre grades in my classes, that means I will provide mediocre work to the clients I try to serve. If I get Cs, I will give C-grade work to my clients. I know that isn’t true, but it’s hard to remember that. Especially when I keep struggling. Aaron explained it so well at one point- I care when it is someone else on the line, when it is someone’s housing or other life situation that is in my hands. But when it’s an assignment due Thursday that I turn in the following Monday, or maybe a lot later, or whatever, it’s hard to get me worked up and motivated enough to care so much. I know that it’s not a martyrdom attitude, I just don’t have the drive to do some of these assignments. I think it’s proven so well when I get an A in my actual practicum at the Salvation Army, yet a C in the seminar class that goes with it. How do I learn best? By doing, not by digging for experiences to fit into a box on an assignment (literally), when those experiences aren’t the bulk of what I am doing and what I am learning.
I don’t know. I’m just frustrated with school in general, and I’m glad to have time away from it.
I’m going to bed now. Or rather, I’m going to go play with crossword math puzzles until I am ready to fall asleep. Tomorrow will be good, though. I think we’re going to see “Mona Lisa Smile,” and then we’re having stir-fry for dinner. The kind we make at the Community.
Even with the dance party, though, I couldn’t shake this bizarre feeling I had for a majority of yesterday. I was happy for it being Christmas Eve, and I was glad to have a lot of relaxation time, but.... I just felt off.
I felt anti-social, and I spent a while in the afternoon sitting at the computer listening to Ani DiFranco, Tracy Chapman, and Our Lady Peace- all that calming, Christmas-y music that most people listen to. I just don’t feel like I have a lot to input to conversations, really. I’ve been feeling somewhat withdrawn, and that’s hard to feel around all this Christmas excitement. I think it’s just hard finishing a semester and then having to jump right back into all this rushing and to-do-ness right away. I just got back to MN late Sunday afternoon, and there has been enough to do around here in the first few days that I have been back. Doesn’t feel much different from finals, in some ways. Only instead of packing and writing papers, the time is filled with shopping and cleaning. Instead of rushing to see people before you leave, it’s now time to rush to see people immediately (in some cases, before they leave town again). Instead of eating junk food only since there is no regular sleep or routine schedule- oh wait, I’m still eating mainly munchie foods. And instead of deadlines for assignments, there are deadlines for presents.
I don’t really remember how I spent my time at semester breaks the first two years of college, but since I moved into Community, I know that I have needed the first almost week to just recuperate and wind down. It’s such a weird adjustment, going from the SoP houses to home. Part of me misses my roommates already, missed them before they’d left, or before I’d realized they’d left. Part of me realizes how nice it is to not deal with some petty drama issues, though. Part of me is so used to all that constant commotion, all the constant surrounding of people; and part of me is so glad to be away from that, to have only a few people to need to handle for the time being.
I just need some time to relax, and I’ve been a bit on edge too much to do that.
I spent time the other night with Shannon and Aaron, and that was good. Shannon came over and helped us decorate cookies (a staple for both our diets these days), then Aaron came over for a discussion on physics, gender studies, politics, and the usual topics. After Shannon left, he and I hung out and talked for a bit more, mostly about the problems of not-being-among-the-best-in-our-chosen-majors. It’s refreshing to hear someone else understand exactly what I mean when I say that I’ve had to reconcile the fact that just because I love social work, that doesn’t mean I will automatically get As in my social work classes. Aaron, who I’ve always considered incredibly and amazingly smart (as well as just incredible and amazing in general), understands how I feel, and that reassures me a lot. I’ve been feeling again, as much as I know it isn’t true, that when I earn mediocre grades in my classes, that means I will provide mediocre work to the clients I try to serve. If I get Cs, I will give C-grade work to my clients. I know that isn’t true, but it’s hard to remember that. Especially when I keep struggling. Aaron explained it so well at one point- I care when it is someone else on the line, when it is someone’s housing or other life situation that is in my hands. But when it’s an assignment due Thursday that I turn in the following Monday, or maybe a lot later, or whatever, it’s hard to get me worked up and motivated enough to care so much. I know that it’s not a martyrdom attitude, I just don’t have the drive to do some of these assignments. I think it’s proven so well when I get an A in my actual practicum at the Salvation Army, yet a C in the seminar class that goes with it. How do I learn best? By doing, not by digging for experiences to fit into a box on an assignment (literally), when those experiences aren’t the bulk of what I am doing and what I am learning.
I don’t know. I’m just frustrated with school in general, and I’m glad to have time away from it.
I’m going to bed now. Or rather, I’m going to go play with crossword math puzzles until I am ready to fall asleep. Tomorrow will be good, though. I think we’re going to see “Mona Lisa Smile,” and then we’re having stir-fry for dinner. The kind we make at the Community.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Miss you...
Date: 2003-12-30 09:50 pm (UTC)Love you to pieces!
Jill
Re: Miss you...
Date: 2003-12-31 09:53 am (UTC)What are your New Year's plans? Exciting and fun? Wild Des Moines parties?
I miss you too. Will you still live at Little House a lot when we get back? I liked that. A lot.
love and hugs and juice and peace,
~T