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Sep. 17th, 2003 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73What do you do when everything felt like it was going just fine, and then you start crying about nothing you can name after talking with your housemates? What do you do when you thought you had it all figured out, and then you start to hear a calling toward something else? What do you do when every time you spend time with a certain group of people, you want to be who they are, do the work that they do? Those kind of people that do what you believe in, so much so that you can’t actually believe they are doing it, living the way they are living, loving the way they are loving. Why does it always feel like I am a baby in the justice movement? How can I be the ‘grown-up’ and be amazing? What if I already am? Or what if I have the rest of my life to get there? Every time I spend time with Catholic Workers, it makes me question if I am called to that lifestyle. Every time. I want a house decorated with the peace-nik things they have, I want to share my food and my home the way they do, I want to be educated and knowledgeable about all the justice issues I care about, I want to love everyone so much that I can’t tell the difference between people I automatically love and people I have to work to love. I want to be a source of inspiration and information for others. I want to devote my life to important things, not just as a career, but as a way of life. What do you do when everything approaches you so fast that you can’t tell what decisions you’re even supposed to be making, let alone actually act on those decisions? What do you do when someone proposes an idea that tickles at your heart, an idea that opens your heart’s eyes, an idea that makes you bite your lip nervously as you grin because it sounds so perfect? And how do you put a plan into action when there are so many other commitments in your life? How do you devote yourself to only the important issues and plans, when everything seems to take importance? What should you do when your roommates excitedly suggest the idea of moving the eight of us into one house, and then opening the Little House up as some sort of shelter? What do you do when you think that plan is an excellent idea?
In Oklahoma, I wrote:
We talked a lot the other night in reflection about how not everyone is called to the Catholic Worker type of lifestyle. Part of me wonders if saying that is a cop-out. What if we are all called to this lifestyle? … Are we all called to live a life of simplicity? Even if everyone isn’t, am I? How does someone live in community after college or intentional volunteering? How does someone live simply and not in community? Aren’t both important to me? Will one of those ideals change over the next two years? I’m just…. Apprehensive. I’m nervous about where God is calling me, how She is calling me to live and how to serve others. Ellen was reading some Romero excerpts, and the idea of doing God’s will was rephrased by him. He talks about being at God’s beck and call, and somehow, that sounds so different, so much more intense than simply doing God’s will or serving Her. What does that mean, what does that require?
I don’t know what to think about anything. I’m scared to think that social work might not be radical enough for the way I want to live. I’m scared about opening everything up to all this newness. I’m afraid that I won’t be enough, that I won’t have enough to offer.
You know things are serious when I don’t want to discuss this with people who are going to discourage me or tell me I have the rest of my life to do all this. All I wanted to do after halfway crying in the shower tonight was get myself back next door to talk with my housemates who put this darn idea in my head in the first place.
I’m scared that I am so serious about this.
In Oklahoma, I wrote:
We talked a lot the other night in reflection about how not everyone is called to the Catholic Worker type of lifestyle. Part of me wonders if saying that is a cop-out. What if we are all called to this lifestyle? … Are we all called to live a life of simplicity? Even if everyone isn’t, am I? How does someone live in community after college or intentional volunteering? How does someone live simply and not in community? Aren’t both important to me? Will one of those ideals change over the next two years? I’m just…. Apprehensive. I’m nervous about where God is calling me, how She is calling me to live and how to serve others. Ellen was reading some Romero excerpts, and the idea of doing God’s will was rephrased by him. He talks about being at God’s beck and call, and somehow, that sounds so different, so much more intense than simply doing God’s will or serving Her. What does that mean, what does that require?
I don’t know what to think about anything. I’m scared to think that social work might not be radical enough for the way I want to live. I’m scared about opening everything up to all this newness. I’m afraid that I won’t be enough, that I won’t have enough to offer.
You know things are serious when I don’t want to discuss this with people who are going to discourage me or tell me I have the rest of my life to do all this. All I wanted to do after halfway crying in the shower tonight was get myself back next door to talk with my housemates who put this darn idea in my head in the first place.
I’m scared that I am so serious about this.
