entries from Saturday and from tonight
Aug. 19th, 2003 11:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple738-16-03
I guess sometimes I just feel like I have different expectations than so many other people do. I just feel like I’ve been let down in a few ways lately. Is it too much to ask that when a good friend comes to the Twin Cities, she will call me? KP was in Minnesota Tuesday through Thursday, and never called me. I don’t even know that I would have been able to see her, but the point is that she could have called, invited me along with her and Nick and Joanna. And then I move in back today, and she’s not even here. No note or anything. She just went to Des Moines, leaving me to move in by myself, and with no key- no way inside, if no one else had been home. It just seems thoughtless, and that’s not like KP. And is doesn’t feel good. It feel like I’m easily replaced, or forgotten, or something. I don’t like being alone at the Community. It’s a place that’s supposed to be bursting with busy energy, and right now it just feel empty.
And I still feel hurt about Khodai not ever calling me. I can say and reason over and over again that his mind doesn’t think things through in the same way that most people’s do. With Khodai, you shouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that he wants nothing to do with you if he doesn’t call you for a few weeks at a time. But as much as I can say that and explain that to others and even halfway believe it, I’m still hurt. It’s been more than even just a couple weeks; we haven’t seen each other in a month. That’s a damn long time to have no contact with someone I care about. Am I wrong to be upset about this? Should I be taking some hint that after I call his old apartment twice, email him, and call his parents, he still never gets in contact with me? It just hurts. I’m taking this stuff with both him and KP personally, even if I shouldn’t be.
Jenn also made a comment the other day that got me thinking. She was talking about when she and Josh are married, how she told him she wants a three-car garage. You know, to make sure they aren’t cramped for space. I couldn’t pin down right away what rubbed me the wrong way about that remark. I wasn’t angry or anything, but something felt funny about it. It wasn’t about her and Josh living together, because I’ve heard all of that before, and that’s fine. Bug I figured it out- the kind of lifestyle she obviously sees herself and Josh having isn’t the way I picture myself living. I’ve never even thought about the size of garage I’d have. That would mean I’d be thinking about owning a car. And if I were living with someone else, married or whatever, that person would have a car. And we might have so much stuff that it wouldn’t all fit in a two-car garage. That’s what a three-car garage means. A three-car garage means more permanency than I’m thinking about right now. It means having your own place, and a big one at that. Three car garages do not come attached to houses the size of Little House. Maybe all this is fine for other people, for a lot of other people, but I don’t think it is for me.
8-19-03
That was the entry of Saturday night, after I’d gotten mostly moved in. Immediately after writing that entry, I had a little cry as I sat in my Little House all by myself. THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I MOVE. I am making no attempt to change that. Jeff left me the CD I forgot when I moved out (I’d accidentally taken his for the summer), so I cranked up Our Lady Peace. The point had been to listen to some yelly music that I like, the kind that we listened to all the time last year when we had our dance parties. So I cried some, but then I stood on a dining room chair, to get the perspective that the boys always did. They loved to have dance parties while standing on the chairs. What started out as me being cranky ended up with me grinning and full of an energized feeling a few tracks into the CD. I started remembering all the fun times from last year, and I just didn’t feel lonely anymore. I started thinking about what this community is about, and it led into me turning the page in my notebook from a cranky journal entry to a few pages of Community retreat planning. I started asking questions like, “What does living intentionally mean to you?” and, “What are you going to take away from living here?” and, “What gift of yourself will you present to this Community?” I went to bed Saturday night with a big smile on my face, even though I was the only one home in either of the two houses. I was back in a place I love, and I was ready to commit to it again.
But I have been remembering that living here takes effort. There are people to keep track of and people to take care of. And a lot of chores to do. But I can ease myself into all this, and it will work out. Part of this effort came today when KP and I spent the morning running needed errands and the ENTIRE REST OF THE DAY cleaning. The entire day. But our house will be beautiful soon. Even if you don’t see it sparkling, you will at least be able to see it, where there used to be dust everywhere. I’m not even exaggerating too much on the use of the word ‘everywhere.’
Part of the effort that is needed is more of the emotional kind. I need to gain some kind of acceptance that ‘our boys’ do not live here anymore. That means that the room Judy and Meghan will be moving into should no longer be referred to as “the boys’ room.” That’s a really hard habit to break. Our boys don’t live here anymore. One lives back in the Cities, and one is in Milwaukee. I didn’t even realize how much I would miss them…. They were a part of living here. So, obviously, was KP, but I have her back. So, obviously, were the eight people who lived next door. Now one is back, and three are new. It’s just different to move back somewhere without all the same people who used to be here. I got to talk to Jeffrey last night on the phone though (Rosie called him, and I made her hand over the phone for a few minutes), and that was wonderful. He sounded to happy to talk to me- it was genuine, and that felt really good. He didn’t make fun of me, just listened to me and told me some about his new home for the year. He liked the story of my dancing on the dining room chair when I’d been in a bad mood. :)
What else have I done here? Spent long amounts of time with people. My dad and I had a good talk on the drive down here about social justice and Catholicism and all of that, which I appreciated. Sunday, I played with Vicky for twelve hours straight. First we played with pirates (Johnny Depp and that Orlando guy), then we played chefs (Colin joined us for our scrumptious dinner), then we played Life (Colin the Capitalist (ha ha) beat the rest of us). Yesterday, I spent a bunch of time with Rosie, which was wonderful. We sat in the Student Center just getting caught up on everything for a few hours. She was so happy to see me, and I just wanted to hug her all afternoon long. But then the Death Cramps attacked, so after we went back to RosieandKevinandAngelinaandJoanna’s house, I ended up just laying down on Rosie’s bed for a while. I have not had Death Cramps like that in a long, long time. After I felt able to deal with movement again, Rose, KP, Kevin, and I went out to Rice Bowl for dinner. KP and I each ordered something new, tried each other’s, and traded plates. :)
So far I have crossed off seven things on my moving-back to-do list. That leaves eleven more. There were only six more, but five got added as today progressed. And “clean fridge,” it turns out, actually meant “clean whole house.” But it’s all good. I love Community. And I get to hang out with my Mana on Thursday night. HOO. OOO. OOO. RAY. AY. AY. I am a big dork. But! Not connected- KP and Rosie were very impressed with my volunteer program spreadsheet. My dorkiness pays off. I win.
I guess sometimes I just feel like I have different expectations than so many other people do. I just feel like I’ve been let down in a few ways lately. Is it too much to ask that when a good friend comes to the Twin Cities, she will call me? KP was in Minnesota Tuesday through Thursday, and never called me. I don’t even know that I would have been able to see her, but the point is that she could have called, invited me along with her and Nick and Joanna. And then I move in back today, and she’s not even here. No note or anything. She just went to Des Moines, leaving me to move in by myself, and with no key- no way inside, if no one else had been home. It just seems thoughtless, and that’s not like KP. And is doesn’t feel good. It feel like I’m easily replaced, or forgotten, or something. I don’t like being alone at the Community. It’s a place that’s supposed to be bursting with busy energy, and right now it just feel empty.
And I still feel hurt about Khodai not ever calling me. I can say and reason over and over again that his mind doesn’t think things through in the same way that most people’s do. With Khodai, you shouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that he wants nothing to do with you if he doesn’t call you for a few weeks at a time. But as much as I can say that and explain that to others and even halfway believe it, I’m still hurt. It’s been more than even just a couple weeks; we haven’t seen each other in a month. That’s a damn long time to have no contact with someone I care about. Am I wrong to be upset about this? Should I be taking some hint that after I call his old apartment twice, email him, and call his parents, he still never gets in contact with me? It just hurts. I’m taking this stuff with both him and KP personally, even if I shouldn’t be.
Jenn also made a comment the other day that got me thinking. She was talking about when she and Josh are married, how she told him she wants a three-car garage. You know, to make sure they aren’t cramped for space. I couldn’t pin down right away what rubbed me the wrong way about that remark. I wasn’t angry or anything, but something felt funny about it. It wasn’t about her and Josh living together, because I’ve heard all of that before, and that’s fine. Bug I figured it out- the kind of lifestyle she obviously sees herself and Josh having isn’t the way I picture myself living. I’ve never even thought about the size of garage I’d have. That would mean I’d be thinking about owning a car. And if I were living with someone else, married or whatever, that person would have a car. And we might have so much stuff that it wouldn’t all fit in a two-car garage. That’s what a three-car garage means. A three-car garage means more permanency than I’m thinking about right now. It means having your own place, and a big one at that. Three car garages do not come attached to houses the size of Little House. Maybe all this is fine for other people, for a lot of other people, but I don’t think it is for me.
8-19-03
That was the entry of Saturday night, after I’d gotten mostly moved in. Immediately after writing that entry, I had a little cry as I sat in my Little House all by myself. THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I MOVE. I am making no attempt to change that. Jeff left me the CD I forgot when I moved out (I’d accidentally taken his for the summer), so I cranked up Our Lady Peace. The point had been to listen to some yelly music that I like, the kind that we listened to all the time last year when we had our dance parties. So I cried some, but then I stood on a dining room chair, to get the perspective that the boys always did. They loved to have dance parties while standing on the chairs. What started out as me being cranky ended up with me grinning and full of an energized feeling a few tracks into the CD. I started remembering all the fun times from last year, and I just didn’t feel lonely anymore. I started thinking about what this community is about, and it led into me turning the page in my notebook from a cranky journal entry to a few pages of Community retreat planning. I started asking questions like, “What does living intentionally mean to you?” and, “What are you going to take away from living here?” and, “What gift of yourself will you present to this Community?” I went to bed Saturday night with a big smile on my face, even though I was the only one home in either of the two houses. I was back in a place I love, and I was ready to commit to it again.
But I have been remembering that living here takes effort. There are people to keep track of and people to take care of. And a lot of chores to do. But I can ease myself into all this, and it will work out. Part of this effort came today when KP and I spent the morning running needed errands and the ENTIRE REST OF THE DAY cleaning. The entire day. But our house will be beautiful soon. Even if you don’t see it sparkling, you will at least be able to see it, where there used to be dust everywhere. I’m not even exaggerating too much on the use of the word ‘everywhere.’
Part of the effort that is needed is more of the emotional kind. I need to gain some kind of acceptance that ‘our boys’ do not live here anymore. That means that the room Judy and Meghan will be moving into should no longer be referred to as “the boys’ room.” That’s a really hard habit to break. Our boys don’t live here anymore. One lives back in the Cities, and one is in Milwaukee. I didn’t even realize how much I would miss them…. They were a part of living here. So, obviously, was KP, but I have her back. So, obviously, were the eight people who lived next door. Now one is back, and three are new. It’s just different to move back somewhere without all the same people who used to be here. I got to talk to Jeffrey last night on the phone though (Rosie called him, and I made her hand over the phone for a few minutes), and that was wonderful. He sounded to happy to talk to me- it was genuine, and that felt really good. He didn’t make fun of me, just listened to me and told me some about his new home for the year. He liked the story of my dancing on the dining room chair when I’d been in a bad mood. :)
What else have I done here? Spent long amounts of time with people. My dad and I had a good talk on the drive down here about social justice and Catholicism and all of that, which I appreciated. Sunday, I played with Vicky for twelve hours straight. First we played with pirates (Johnny Depp and that Orlando guy), then we played chefs (Colin joined us for our scrumptious dinner), then we played Life (Colin the Capitalist (ha ha) beat the rest of us). Yesterday, I spent a bunch of time with Rosie, which was wonderful. We sat in the Student Center just getting caught up on everything for a few hours. She was so happy to see me, and I just wanted to hug her all afternoon long. But then the Death Cramps attacked, so after we went back to RosieandKevinandAngelinaandJoanna’s house, I ended up just laying down on Rosie’s bed for a while. I have not had Death Cramps like that in a long, long time. After I felt able to deal with movement again, Rose, KP, Kevin, and I went out to Rice Bowl for dinner. KP and I each ordered something new, tried each other’s, and traded plates. :)
So far I have crossed off seven things on my moving-back to-do list. That leaves eleven more. There were only six more, but five got added as today progressed. And “clean fridge,” it turns out, actually meant “clean whole house.” But it’s all good. I love Community. And I get to hang out with my Mana on Thursday night. HOO. OOO. OOO. RAY. AY. AY. I am a big dork. But! Not connected- KP and Rosie were very impressed with my volunteer program spreadsheet. My dorkiness pays off. I win.
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