been a while....
Feb. 21st, 2003 06:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73My favorite part of class Thursday night was when John tried to use me as an example for one of the types of therapy we were discussing. He asked me, “Theresa, if I told you Bush was declaring war on Iraq tonight, what would you think? What would be going through your brain?” I gave him one of the blankest looks I’ve ever given. I didn’t know what to THINK about that. He noticed the complete blankness of my expression, and changed his question: “How would that makes you feel?” “Angry!” I know that answer. :) I just had to laugh, though- I’ve known for a while that I fall under the category of “feeler” as opposed to “thinker,” but yesterday’s little event proves it even more. I wasn’t even trying to fall into one category or the other- that wasn’t even what we were talking about. But I literally didn’t know what to say to him about what I was thinking. Made me laugh.
My favorite part of class Thursday afternoon, however, was finding out that because one of my classmate’s friends is joining the PeaceCorps, therefore America is not primarily concerned with money. My theology teacher said, “Well that changes EVERYTHING!” Vicky and I laughed.
I’m writing this as I sit in the airport, because I am going HOME for the weekend. This is the only free weekend I have between now and at least April (spring break included), so I decided to go home. No big plans, but I’ll be glad to get away for a while. Things around community are going better. People aren’t on each other’s nerves quite as much. Or maybe it’s that I haven’t really been home much lately. Since the meetings have started up again, it means that I’m on campus a remarkably long amount of time every day. Then I come home and even do studying most days, and then I go to bed and do it again. And it hasn’t been bad. Busy, but not overwhelming. It has meant, though, that I haven’t spent a lot of time with friends lately. I haven’t hung out with Mana or Vicky in a long while. There’s been a lot of “me” focus I think- my meetings, my homework, my part of the community, my need to go on a retreat last weekend.... But on the other hand, I think that this focus on what I need has been making this a healthier semester. Um, for me. I’ve felt so much more capable of handling things lately, though. Maybe this is just all in comparison to the way last semester ended- I was out of control and stressed out- crying and stressed and constantly frazzled. And I had things that I was behind on. I’ve been trying to stay on top of little things, and things in general, more this semester, and it’s been making me feel better. I’m doing things differently for Lent this year too, taking a few steps to try to make myself a little more whole. And I’ve started early, and I like it.
I had a fantastic weekend last week. I have other journal entries from the retreat that I may type up later, but knowing me, I probably won’t. But trust me when I say that it was good, and helpful, and refreshing. It wasn’t intense like Encounter is, but that was fine. I didn’t feel like I needed that kind of intensity. I had anticipated it, though, bracing myself for a Valentine’s breakdown, but none did. Instead, I found myself in my assigned small group, with several other admitted ‘criers.’ And I didn’t even cry the whole retreat. !!! The tears have been flowing much much less often this new year, and it’s caught me off guard. What? I’m not bursting into tears every time I feel emotional? What? I’m not feeling overly emotional in general? I can handle this change happily! (Or maybe I shouldn’t speak too soon and jinx things- that’s been known to happen.)
I did actually cry the afternoon I came back from the retreat. Our furnace at the little house broke a few hours before we got back, and I volunteered to call Rob, our landlord. It went something like this:
T: Hi, Rob, this is Theresa Miller, over on Webster Street. [I didn’t outright say our house number because I thought that was a rude way to begin a conversation.] I just wanted to let you know that our furnace broke this afternoon.
Rob: What’s the problem with it? [Rob is being very nice throughout all of this.]
T: [I proceed to explain what is wrong, what we have tried, etc.]
Rob: Okay, well, you’re going to have to be cold tonight, but I’ll call the furnace people first thing in the morning, and they’ll call you right away.
T: That would be wonderful.
Rob: Oh, just so you know, I’ll be sending you a notice soon that you guys have to be out of your house by April first....
T: [heart stops. heart attack, heart attack, heart attack. I knew they were tearing down Creighton houses in the area in the upcoming months, but I thought that our houses were safe! heart is still not really sure what to do with itself.] Excuse me?
Rob: ....so they can tear the house down.
T: [heart attack continues. tears are gathering.] Can I let you talk to someone else about this for a minute? [I shove the phone at Neal, covering the mouthpiece.] NealhesayswehavetobeoutofourhousebyAprilfirstsotheycantearitdown! Help! Nealtalktohimplease!]
Neal: Hi, Rob, this is Neal Reykdal over at the Spirit of Peace Community on Webster Street. Yes, over at 3212. Yes, we know they’re tearing the houses down between 30th and 32nd, but we’re past that. Yes, 3212. Okay, Rob, you just gave my roommate a heart attack. Okay, talk to you later. [Neal hangs up and explains to me the communication problem, and the fact that Rob had a Miller tenet on 31st and Webster.]
We’re safe, apparently, and he reminds me that the understood agreement is that we have our houses until CU decided to tear them down, while really probably won’t be for about ten years. But we’re living there month by month; we don’t have a lease. We have no legal whatever to keep these houses until then.
This whole event had terrified me. I went into the other room and let the tears quietly come out. The idea that I might not have a place to live six weeks from now scared me like crazy. Even if it had been just a miscommunication.... It had flipped me out. I calmed down, though, pretty quickly, but it did get me thinking. Brought out the social worker in me. :) What do people do who are evicted from their apartment or wherever? Where do they go? What do people do when they can’t pay their heating bills, and they don’t get heat in their houses? We had multiple pairs of pajamas and a house next door to go to if we needed to, and this was only for one night. So maybe I want to do my practicum in this area. Vincent House would be awesome.... hmmm....
And speaking of social work. Rosita told me the other day some interesting news. It turns out that Seth is apparently not going to graduate this year, but instead stick around another year to take pre-med classes. He’s going to skip (for the time being?) his acceptance into the PeaceCorps, take science classes, and then go to med school. Wow. I want to be happy for him, but it’s hard. I’m sure these are hard decisions to make. But it’s sad for me to see him leaving the social work department. He’ll still graduate with social work, with my class, I suppose, but.... I’ve been struggling with Seth, especially this past year. It was good to hang out with him about that first semester after he got back from the DR, but after that.... Colin and I talked about it today, and we all just notice that Seth is always angry these days. He’s never happy any more, and that’s hard for me to see. He never comes to any Amnesty or ANYTHING stuff anymore, and I with that he would. I hate to see him backing away from all this, especially since he was the one who brought me to Amnesty in the very first place. And through Amnesty, I was linked to the SOAW movement, and.... I know I would have found these things eventually, but it really was Seth who first sparked that interest, and to see him drifting farther and farther away, to see him less and less happy- I hate that. This amazing person deserves the absolute best; he deserves happiness among his frustrations, he deserves to feel inspired in the same way that he can, I know, inspire others. And maybe I feel as if I deserve more too- I feel as if I deserve a chance to do some activist work with him, so show him how strong these things can still be. I don’t know. I wish he was still around, and I wish he was happier. And I guess I wish him the best. And I really still wish that I knew him better, or that I had known him better at some point. I’m sure he’ll make a good doctor, but I KNOW that he’d make a great social worker. (Well, I guess he will make a great doctor. I don’t really know anyone who I can say, “She/He would make a GREAT doctor,” because I think that I don’t really know anything about being a doctor. I can say someone would or would not make a good teacher, because I’ve spent a lot of time with teachers over the years. But I spend very very little time with doctors. Anyways.)
On a completely different note, I have decided that there are not nearly enough three-year-olds in my life on a regular basis.
And on another different note, I saw “The Vagina Monologues” last night, and it made me happy. There were parts I was uncomfortable with, but for the most part I really REALLY liked it. I think that it helps so much in starting up conversations that would not normally happen. This will be a weird comparison, but it’s sort of like me and Vicky and Colin having our “God Talk.” That’s a hard conversation to just have out of the blue, but it was a topic we all wanted to discuss. And I think there are things women want to discuss with others, but you can’t just begin a conversation about menstruation, or whatnot, just out of the blue. But something like the Monologues can spark a conversation, can get people talking. KP started talking and wouldn’t stop. In Tennessee, you see, babies come from the sky, that’s what she told me. So we started talking, and on and on the conversation rolled. If nothing else, the show helps people feel more comfortable talking. And even if people are offended by some of the content, the topic is out there now for conversation. And if the show raises awareness especially about violence against women, even even better. But I left in a great mood, having laughed a whole lot (‘cause the show comes off much more funny than the book does) and discussed a fair amount as well. And my happiness continued, and I woke up in a good mood today too.
Um, I think that was everything on my little list of things to talk about, so I might just go to bed now. I am at home, typing this up in my very own room. Hooray!
My favorite part of class Thursday afternoon, however, was finding out that because one of my classmate’s friends is joining the PeaceCorps, therefore America is not primarily concerned with money. My theology teacher said, “Well that changes EVERYTHING!” Vicky and I laughed.
I’m writing this as I sit in the airport, because I am going HOME for the weekend. This is the only free weekend I have between now and at least April (spring break included), so I decided to go home. No big plans, but I’ll be glad to get away for a while. Things around community are going better. People aren’t on each other’s nerves quite as much. Or maybe it’s that I haven’t really been home much lately. Since the meetings have started up again, it means that I’m on campus a remarkably long amount of time every day. Then I come home and even do studying most days, and then I go to bed and do it again. And it hasn’t been bad. Busy, but not overwhelming. It has meant, though, that I haven’t spent a lot of time with friends lately. I haven’t hung out with Mana or Vicky in a long while. There’s been a lot of “me” focus I think- my meetings, my homework, my part of the community, my need to go on a retreat last weekend.... But on the other hand, I think that this focus on what I need has been making this a healthier semester. Um, for me. I’ve felt so much more capable of handling things lately, though. Maybe this is just all in comparison to the way last semester ended- I was out of control and stressed out- crying and stressed and constantly frazzled. And I had things that I was behind on. I’ve been trying to stay on top of little things, and things in general, more this semester, and it’s been making me feel better. I’m doing things differently for Lent this year too, taking a few steps to try to make myself a little more whole. And I’ve started early, and I like it.
I had a fantastic weekend last week. I have other journal entries from the retreat that I may type up later, but knowing me, I probably won’t. But trust me when I say that it was good, and helpful, and refreshing. It wasn’t intense like Encounter is, but that was fine. I didn’t feel like I needed that kind of intensity. I had anticipated it, though, bracing myself for a Valentine’s breakdown, but none did. Instead, I found myself in my assigned small group, with several other admitted ‘criers.’ And I didn’t even cry the whole retreat. !!! The tears have been flowing much much less often this new year, and it’s caught me off guard. What? I’m not bursting into tears every time I feel emotional? What? I’m not feeling overly emotional in general? I can handle this change happily! (Or maybe I shouldn’t speak too soon and jinx things- that’s been known to happen.)
I did actually cry the afternoon I came back from the retreat. Our furnace at the little house broke a few hours before we got back, and I volunteered to call Rob, our landlord. It went something like this:
T: Hi, Rob, this is Theresa Miller, over on Webster Street. [I didn’t outright say our house number because I thought that was a rude way to begin a conversation.] I just wanted to let you know that our furnace broke this afternoon.
Rob: What’s the problem with it? [Rob is being very nice throughout all of this.]
T: [I proceed to explain what is wrong, what we have tried, etc.]
Rob: Okay, well, you’re going to have to be cold tonight, but I’ll call the furnace people first thing in the morning, and they’ll call you right away.
T: That would be wonderful.
Rob: Oh, just so you know, I’ll be sending you a notice soon that you guys have to be out of your house by April first....
T: [heart stops. heart attack, heart attack, heart attack. I knew they were tearing down Creighton houses in the area in the upcoming months, but I thought that our houses were safe! heart is still not really sure what to do with itself.] Excuse me?
Rob: ....so they can tear the house down.
T: [heart attack continues. tears are gathering.] Can I let you talk to someone else about this for a minute? [I shove the phone at Neal, covering the mouthpiece.] NealhesayswehavetobeoutofourhousebyAprilfirstsotheycantearitdown! Help! Nealtalktohimplease!]
Neal: Hi, Rob, this is Neal Reykdal over at the Spirit of Peace Community on Webster Street. Yes, over at 3212. Yes, we know they’re tearing the houses down between 30th and 32nd, but we’re past that. Yes, 3212. Okay, Rob, you just gave my roommate a heart attack. Okay, talk to you later. [Neal hangs up and explains to me the communication problem, and the fact that Rob had a Miller tenet on 31st and Webster.]
We’re safe, apparently, and he reminds me that the understood agreement is that we have our houses until CU decided to tear them down, while really probably won’t be for about ten years. But we’re living there month by month; we don’t have a lease. We have no legal whatever to keep these houses until then.
This whole event had terrified me. I went into the other room and let the tears quietly come out. The idea that I might not have a place to live six weeks from now scared me like crazy. Even if it had been just a miscommunication.... It had flipped me out. I calmed down, though, pretty quickly, but it did get me thinking. Brought out the social worker in me. :) What do people do who are evicted from their apartment or wherever? Where do they go? What do people do when they can’t pay their heating bills, and they don’t get heat in their houses? We had multiple pairs of pajamas and a house next door to go to if we needed to, and this was only for one night. So maybe I want to do my practicum in this area. Vincent House would be awesome.... hmmm....
And speaking of social work. Rosita told me the other day some interesting news. It turns out that Seth is apparently not going to graduate this year, but instead stick around another year to take pre-med classes. He’s going to skip (for the time being?) his acceptance into the PeaceCorps, take science classes, and then go to med school. Wow. I want to be happy for him, but it’s hard. I’m sure these are hard decisions to make. But it’s sad for me to see him leaving the social work department. He’ll still graduate with social work, with my class, I suppose, but.... I’ve been struggling with Seth, especially this past year. It was good to hang out with him about that first semester after he got back from the DR, but after that.... Colin and I talked about it today, and we all just notice that Seth is always angry these days. He’s never happy any more, and that’s hard for me to see. He never comes to any Amnesty or ANYTHING stuff anymore, and I with that he would. I hate to see him backing away from all this, especially since he was the one who brought me to Amnesty in the very first place. And through Amnesty, I was linked to the SOAW movement, and.... I know I would have found these things eventually, but it really was Seth who first sparked that interest, and to see him drifting farther and farther away, to see him less and less happy- I hate that. This amazing person deserves the absolute best; he deserves happiness among his frustrations, he deserves to feel inspired in the same way that he can, I know, inspire others. And maybe I feel as if I deserve more too- I feel as if I deserve a chance to do some activist work with him, so show him how strong these things can still be. I don’t know. I wish he was still around, and I wish he was happier. And I guess I wish him the best. And I really still wish that I knew him better, or that I had known him better at some point. I’m sure he’ll make a good doctor, but I KNOW that he’d make a great social worker. (Well, I guess he will make a great doctor. I don’t really know anyone who I can say, “She/He would make a GREAT doctor,” because I think that I don’t really know anything about being a doctor. I can say someone would or would not make a good teacher, because I’ve spent a lot of time with teachers over the years. But I spend very very little time with doctors. Anyways.)
On a completely different note, I have decided that there are not nearly enough three-year-olds in my life on a regular basis.
And on another different note, I saw “The Vagina Monologues” last night, and it made me happy. There were parts I was uncomfortable with, but for the most part I really REALLY liked it. I think that it helps so much in starting up conversations that would not normally happen. This will be a weird comparison, but it’s sort of like me and Vicky and Colin having our “God Talk.” That’s a hard conversation to just have out of the blue, but it was a topic we all wanted to discuss. And I think there are things women want to discuss with others, but you can’t just begin a conversation about menstruation, or whatnot, just out of the blue. But something like the Monologues can spark a conversation, can get people talking. KP started talking and wouldn’t stop. In Tennessee, you see, babies come from the sky, that’s what she told me. So we started talking, and on and on the conversation rolled. If nothing else, the show helps people feel more comfortable talking. And even if people are offended by some of the content, the topic is out there now for conversation. And if the show raises awareness especially about violence against women, even even better. But I left in a great mood, having laughed a whole lot (‘cause the show comes off much more funny than the book does) and discussed a fair amount as well. And my happiness continued, and I woke up in a good mood today too.
Um, I think that was everything on my little list of things to talk about, so I might just go to bed now. I am at home, typing this up in my very own room. Hooray!
