(no subject)

[terrypurple73]

Entry from last night at the Encounter Support Team Retreat. I should probably preface this with the fact that we discussed the disparities in wealth and income between blacks and whites in my Ethics class on Friday. It was a needed activity, one that showed very starkly the impact that race alone has. But it left me feeling so confused about how Dr. Graham can teach this material every day, every semester, and not get incredibley depressed. I went to talk to him after class, and he said that he didn't get depressed so much, but very angry. That's pretty apparent in class, even though I can tell he tries to stay calm. So that class period affected what was going through my mind already as I began the retreat last night. This gets a little choppy, and might only make sense to me in parts. That's in, no more disclaimers on journal entries!

11-2-02, 9ish pm
Same trusty notebook that I brought on the actual Encounter retreat. And we’re being given Reconciliation time, the same thing we were given when I got to write and write and write on the retreat last semester. I’ve been needing another session like that. All right, T, let’s get these questions started that are on my mind:
Where has God been in my life lately? Why have I felt so far away? That relationship hasn’t been there recently, and it’s been noticeable. I want to understand God on a larger level. I’ve started to grasp the idea that God wants me to take part in some actions, that God calls me in certain directions. Even though I don’t know where I am always being called to, I have started to understand that I can respond to God. And I’ve started to grasp the fact that God responds to me- by placing, removing, or keeping people in my life. I’ve started seeing that there are things God wants FROM me and things God wants FOR me. And I am (oh lord, this is going to sound like a syllogism!) clearly part of the world, so isn’t it safe to say that God wants things FROM the world and wants things FOR the world? Then these things that are happening- why are they? Why are there these injustices in the world? Why are there so many inequalities between the races? Why are these innocent people of Iraq being starved to death? Why do I get what I have, while they starve? Where is God in their starvation??? Is God there, holding that mother’s hand as she swallows the lump in her throat, watching her child die? Is God there? If God takes such an active role in determining how MY life plays out, where is She in that Iraqi woman’s life? Half of me wishes God wasn’t there, God did not condone that this, that God wasn’t content with this situation, or any like it. This half of me doesn’t want God to turn Her back, but to not have a part in this, not cause this. And half of me want God there, giving her comfort at a time when she most clearly needs it. That half of me at least wants God to do Her best to reach out. I don’t know. I want to understand how people find so much good in God when God doesn’t change these injustices. Why am I a Minnesotan, a U.S. citizen, when others are citizens of places like Iraq? How do those who are so educated about these inequalities and injustices sustain their faith in God? How do they direct the anger they must feel? How do I maintain a faith in a God who affects me so personally, yet must also affect the global world? How do I let my faith direct me, and at the same time be cognizant of where our world is? How does my faith play into that consciousness?
I want to talk to someone about all this, someone who has been through these thoughts before. I want someone who is a few steps ahead of me, but someone who is still willing to work with me, to struggle with me. Or does this struggle never end? I feel like a priest would be good, or maybe Dr. Graham or Ken. Can I just make an appointment with Ken, and we can not talk about things directly related to my employment at CCSJ, about Amnesty, or about the SOA trip?
Why haven’t I been open to God in my life these days? Why do I long for a stronger faith and relationship with God, but am not willing to put time into it? Why do I keep reaching for an understanding of God- what is the obstacle? Obstacle- I should hang up my roadblock paper plate again from my Encounter. What is blocking me? [My mind is blurring, and my words are coming out choppy.] How have I been bringing into my life what I learned at Encounter?
What lately has brought me closer to God? That’s a question I want to answer, but don’t know how to. I don’t know any answers right off the top of my head, though I’d love to come up with a list of eighteen or more. What has been bringing me close to God?
I want to talk to my CLC group. Beans, Eric, and Peter will help.

Comments

[demonbaby19.livejournal.com]

Why do we blaze a trail when the well worn path seems safe and so inviting?
How, as we travel, can we see the dismay and keep from fighting?

Those lyrics popped into my head while reading this entry. I don't have any answers for you, but I think there's a huge amount of value just in asking the questions.

Re:

[terrypurple73.livejournal.com]

I think that in at least asking the questions that are on my mind, I am at least verifying that these are things that need to be answered. If not by me, or if not soon, then some time, by someone, or with the help of someone. I don't know. It's a struggle that I know a lot of people have gone through before, but I haven't as much up until now.