(no subject)

[terrypurple73]

We're having a BBQ in a couple weeks- a last chance to have friends over before the kiddos comes. Yay! I invited a good crowd of folks, and was feeling glad when right off the bat, both Tom and Sean RSVPed that they were coming. Sean is how we met Tom and Laura, but they all had a falling out about two and a half years ago. There were things about Sean that were bothering Tom, and then Sean did someone a little more major that set off both Laura and Tom, but instead of backing out of the friendship, there was a big blowup. They haven't talked since. Sad to say, Joe and I also kind of dropped Sean at this point. We were only seeing him by then at parties/gatherings, so when he stopped being invited, we didn't seek him out. We reconnected with Sean recently, though, and would like to try hanging out again. He's a good guy, and now that we've seen the way that Tom sometimes handles friendship problems, I'm not convinced that he has his head screwed on right in terms of conflict resolution. (Remember Tom and Joe's big fight last year? Tom seems to be ready to throw out friendships rather than make amends or talk through problems in the slightest.) So Joe and I talked about it, and my feeling was that it's been long enough, we should be able to invite them both to our BBQ without worrying about it. They're both grown-ups, and if they really can't handle being around each other, they can make the decision not to come; we shouldn't have to censor a backyard BBQ's guest list for this. Joe didn't feel as strongly as I did about just inviting them both and letting it shake out, but he went along with my feeling on it. So they both RSVPed yes right away on Friday. And then today, Tom messaged me and said that when he RSVPed, he hadn't seen that Sean was coming, but he thinks it would be too awkward, so they're not going to come after all. So as proud of myself as I was for treating my friends like adults, I'm now disappointed that they won't behave that way. I mean, maybe they are- maybe Tom is being self-aware enough to know that he won't be able to behave or be comfortable with Sean here too. But maybe he just can't move beyond something that never felt that big that happened over two years ago. I never would have thought of Sean as the bigger person between the two of them, but maybe he is. I haven't written back to Tom's message yet, but I think I'll just say, "I'm disappointed to hear that. I would have hoped that after this much time, in a safe space, this could have gone okay for you. I'll trust your decision though about what's best for you." And then I'll try to trust his decision.