(no subject)

[terrypurple73]

I'm crabby and sad this morning. Not overwhelmingly so, but enough that I can't get my butt off the couch to go to the pool. I can go tomorrow, I know, but I've been awake since about 6:00, and while it seems a waste to not go today, I just can't get motivated to do it. So I'm telling myself that I'll spend my morning cleaning up the house and the dishes instead, and I hope I can do it.
Joe and Tom are fighting, still, and it makes me so sad. It really looks like they're not going to resolve this, and that feels unreal.
Tom and Laura are some of our closest friends out here. They're our first and only real couple-friends. Tom is probably Joe's closest friend out here. I love them dearly, and respect them a lot, and have fun with them. And now, they've been fighting since before Christmas, and it doesn't look like it's going to get better. I could go into a bunch of the details, but it's long and not that important ultimately. They've had spats before, but have always gotten over it.
I don't know how to involve myself in this. There's no right answer. I've tried to stay out of it, as has Laura. She and I talk some, on the sly, because we're trying to keep up the appearances of supporting our significant others, while at the same time just wanting them to work this out already. The boys have always been closer than she and I were, but I still hate feeling like my friendship with her has to be put on hold. Because I don't know what to talk about with her while this is going on other than their fight, but I'm still trying to stay out of it, but it's the only thing on my mind in regards to her. Not the only thing, but still.
I've been working with Joe on his emails over the past few weeks to Tom, trying to help him put his feelings into words, with lots of "I statements" instead of finger-pointing "you statements." It's been an important lesson for Joe on that kind of communication, but because I'm not also doing the same thing with Tom, Tom's emails come back looking especially finger-pointing in comparison. And they're both so stubborn, and tend to hold grudges.
I've spent time talking to Joe about the tough times, massively hurt feelings, and betrayals I've felt in some of my friendships over the years, with people who I am now genuinely still close to. Relationships take a lot of work, and willing partner, and these hurts can really change how relationships work. But if my friendships with both Nicky and with Maura are testaments to it, then it really is possible to move forward after deeply hurt feelings.
But I worry about Tom's side of this. We saw him cut off a friend about a year or so ago, and we're both worried he'll do that same thing to Joe. Tom cut off most of his family when he was about 16. And it makes me want to know that he won't do the same thing to Laura when they have a big conflict in their future marriage.

Now I've been talking with Laura online for a while (and not doing the mountain of dishes) and I'm feeling better about her and I at least. But now that she and I have solved the problem, how do we get the boys to do it?

Comments

[peachnettie.livejournal.com]

That totally sucks. I'm sorry.
Have you talked to Laura about helping coach Tom on his emails the way you're coaching Joe? Maybe you ladies could mediate things without the boys ever knowing you're doing it.

[terrypurple73.livejournal.com]

I think she was doing some of it, but not as much as I was. As you'll see when I update in a minute, she actually made them sit down together tonight when Joe went over to pick up half of the beer-making supplies from Tom. Four million points for Laura! Sounds like things are better, which is surprising, but great. Not 100% better, but better on several levels I guess. Yea!

[demonbaby19.livejournal.com]

I'm always a bit suspicious of people who have a history of refusing to speak to friends or close family members. I mean, there's always the chance that he got very unlucky and there were perfectly valid reasons each time he decided to cut someone out of his life. But you also can't help wondering if there are some shortcomings on his side too.

I hope it works out soon. Nerd friends are important.

[terrypurple73.livejournal.com]

I've been explaining a lot of Tom's behavior by looking at his past relationships (family and friends- I don't know his romantic history). I know he left home at about 16, and I've often wondered if his tendency to cut off friends is his 16-year-old self (not to get too psychological/therapy-ish about it) still trying to work out how to handle conflict. I mean, when you make a big decision like that at 16, it's probably not that appealing to look back and wonder if you did the right thing, or if there are other ways to handle awful times. I don't know enough about his home life- he doesn't get into it much, and really, he should see a therapist for that, not just me- but I wonder how that history and the current stuff plays into each other. It's so much easier in the short-term to end relationships in anger than to do the work required to move forward.
Luckily, they worked things out tonight in a bunch of ways, thank goodness. Nerd friends are really important, and I'm glad this isn't wrecked.