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Sep. 11th, 2002 09:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73I haven't cried before today. Doing it seems so bizarre- it almost seems fake, though I know I'd stop the tears if I could. I hate all this patriot crap. It feels so redundant in some ways to see all that footage, and I'm surprised at how new it seems. Then I remember that I didn't want to watch it when it was originally on. I remember not going to the all-campus prayer at the fountain. Michael and I went to a GSA meeting (my first), and then ducked out because we were so tired of it, already. And I'm still tired of it, today. I do, I hate all this patriotic crap. I don't even know what it means to be a patriot.
Why have I cried today? I don't even know. I think that if I didn't have a personal connection to New York, this still wouldn't be hitting me. Shannon, Liz, and Meg have made this real for me. Well, not real, and not even tangible, but.... something. I just don't know about so much. Did I process anything in the past year? I know I have, but I don't know what it is. I don't even know why I keep crying. I want to talk to Shannon, but I don't feel capable of it.
People keep touching me, and it turns the tears back on. KP put her arm around me during this multi-faith service (whose program I am writing this entry on), and it made me appreciate her so much, but it also started me crying again. So I went into the bathroom to take a break. Another girl came in, and as she was leaving, she put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay. I said yes, I would be; she left; and I started crying all over again. Fuck, I don't even know why. It just keeps coming.
So now I have typed this up in Jess and Vicky's room. I caught the shuttle over here after the service was over. Jess has been wonderful, patiently listening to my sobs and confusion, and assuring me that it's okay. That it's all right if I haven't cried about this entire thing at all until today. That it's all right if I don't understand why I'm crying. That it's all right that I sort of feel I don't have a right to be crying at all. That it would be okay if I called Shannon tonight, but it would be okay if I didn't. She promptly put her arm around me and let me just lean up against her on the couch when my tears started streaming. She seemed to know when I said that the service was "weird" that there was more to it than that. "It was weird?"
It feels good to have someone who is on the same page as I am. Mana gave that to me at breakfast this morning. Even if we weren't on the same page about the reindeer (but then, who was on Mana's page for that part of the conversation? :) ), we can somehow give each other that one look, even when we aren't facing each other. It was a feeling I needed after the start of my morning. As a community, we had a little reflection/prayer/thing bright and early this morning. One of the guys next door had suggested that we each find out a little bit about a person who died last year, to add a personal edge to this entire thing, instead of all the big impersonal numbers. I was really skeptical- I didn't think that everyone finding a random person online was going to make me feel more connected to what happened last year. I ended up being right about that part- I couldn't feel a connection. But I changed the rules a little bit, and for my turn, I read a few selected paragraphs from Liz's journals last year. (Hope you don't mind, Liz!) So after everyone's stories, I might not have felt more personally connected, but I sure didn't feel too uplifted. It wasn't a great way to start off the day. I just have felt, as I was explaining to Jess, that I don't want to do anything deliberate today. I didn't want to deliberately go to Mass of the Holy Spirit, but I didn't want to deliberately NOT go. And I want to talk to Ep, but I also feel like that could be so clichéd. Who is going to be calling their friends in New York tomorrow to check in? I didn't want to deliberately sleep through the school 'moment of silence' (nothing, I am sure, like the ones we had in high school!), but I didn't want to get up on my own to do something about it. So I guess I'm glad the Community planned something, that way I didn't have to make a decision for myself. How weird does THAT sound.
Why have I cried today? I don't even know. I think that if I didn't have a personal connection to New York, this still wouldn't be hitting me. Shannon, Liz, and Meg have made this real for me. Well, not real, and not even tangible, but.... something. I just don't know about so much. Did I process anything in the past year? I know I have, but I don't know what it is. I don't even know why I keep crying. I want to talk to Shannon, but I don't feel capable of it.
People keep touching me, and it turns the tears back on. KP put her arm around me during this multi-faith service (whose program I am writing this entry on), and it made me appreciate her so much, but it also started me crying again. So I went into the bathroom to take a break. Another girl came in, and as she was leaving, she put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay. I said yes, I would be; she left; and I started crying all over again. Fuck, I don't even know why. It just keeps coming.
So now I have typed this up in Jess and Vicky's room. I caught the shuttle over here after the service was over. Jess has been wonderful, patiently listening to my sobs and confusion, and assuring me that it's okay. That it's all right if I haven't cried about this entire thing at all until today. That it's all right if I don't understand why I'm crying. That it's all right that I sort of feel I don't have a right to be crying at all. That it would be okay if I called Shannon tonight, but it would be okay if I didn't. She promptly put her arm around me and let me just lean up against her on the couch when my tears started streaming. She seemed to know when I said that the service was "weird" that there was more to it than that. "It was weird?"
It feels good to have someone who is on the same page as I am. Mana gave that to me at breakfast this morning. Even if we weren't on the same page about the reindeer (but then, who was on Mana's page for that part of the conversation? :) ), we can somehow give each other that one look, even when we aren't facing each other. It was a feeling I needed after the start of my morning. As a community, we had a little reflection/prayer/thing bright and early this morning. One of the guys next door had suggested that we each find out a little bit about a person who died last year, to add a personal edge to this entire thing, instead of all the big impersonal numbers. I was really skeptical- I didn't think that everyone finding a random person online was going to make me feel more connected to what happened last year. I ended up being right about that part- I couldn't feel a connection. But I changed the rules a little bit, and for my turn, I read a few selected paragraphs from Liz's journals last year. (Hope you don't mind, Liz!) So after everyone's stories, I might not have felt more personally connected, but I sure didn't feel too uplifted. It wasn't a great way to start off the day. I just have felt, as I was explaining to Jess, that I don't want to do anything deliberate today. I didn't want to deliberately go to Mass of the Holy Spirit, but I didn't want to deliberately NOT go. And I want to talk to Ep, but I also feel like that could be so clichéd. Who is going to be calling their friends in New York tomorrow to check in? I didn't want to deliberately sleep through the school 'moment of silence' (nothing, I am sure, like the ones we had in high school!), but I didn't want to get up on my own to do something about it. So I guess I'm glad the Community planned something, that way I didn't have to make a decision for myself. How weird does THAT sound.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-09-11 09:35 pm (UTC)(also, by liz's journals do you mean liz me? that's interesting. what did you look at, out of curiosity?)
please take care.
Re:
Date: 2002-09-12 08:13 am (UTC)~Theresa
no subject
Date: 2002-09-12 11:23 am (UTC)and it is impossible to ever stop talking about shannon. I am talking about her right now but the lab people are pretending not to listen. they just don't know. they just don't know!
see, crazy. but the nice kind.
Re:
Date: 2002-09-12 12:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-09-12 07:39 am (UTC)I called you a couple times last weekend, but you're tough to get ahold of :) Maybe I'll give it another shot this weekend.
Re:
Date: 2002-09-12 08:17 am (UTC)Thanks you guys for thinking I'm 'awesome.' I'm calmed down considerabley from last night, and so.... so I don't know. I am just rambling now, and I need to finish getting ready for class. Talk to you soon.
much love,
~Dorothy
no subject
Date: 2002-09-12 04:36 pm (UTC)lots of love,
~Dorothy