(no subject)
Sep. 16th, 2009 10:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
terrypurple73By many measures, this was not a good day.
--I woke up at 5:00 with no alarm but my internal anxiety over a bunch of stuff I have to do for work that I am very behind on. Even in college, when I didn’t do anything until the last minute, as guilty and nerve-wracked as I felt, I didn’t wake myself up from anxiety. That’s a new practice my body has discovered, and I’m not a fan of it. It does it occasionally with Sandwich Line things, it’s happened for an anti-war group I was involved with, and now with work stuff. It’s the kind of thing that tells me that I’m incapable of taking on responsibilities without either 1) freaking out, or 2) getting my shit together and doing my tasks on time. Procrastination has been my forte since age 8 (approximately the age when you first receive homework/projects that take more than one day to do), and it about slaughtered me in college. It needs to stop. But I don’t know how. I make to-do lists and ignore them. I tell myself what treats I am not allowed until I do my tasks, and I ignore my self-directions. I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety over what I need to do, and I don’t change. I’m so tired of functioning this way.
--I subbed at the preschool today, which was not actually a bad thing. But it’s the second day of three that I’m there this week, due to the flu being passed around, and after each shift of 8-2, I get on the bus to go to work from 4-8:30. Tomorrow I have to get up even earlier so I can shower beforehand, because I feel like that would be the respectful thing to do. It makes me tired.
--My stomach is acting as if I am feeding it unhealthy food, which I am NOT. Not any more than usual, at least. I wish it would get a grip on itself.
--I got an email from Bennett, who is supposed to be moving into the Community in two weeks. He’s sorry for any inconvenience this causes, but he won’t be moving in. Super.
--The ladies at work are really stressed out right now, which causes drama at work. As I’ve said before, we have all the positive aspects of an all-women environment, but we also have all the negative aspects of an all-women environment. Especially when the majority of them have mental health diagnoses and are working on maintaining their sobriety. They’re all pretty fragile, and it’s continuing to come to a head. But I did get a lot of my to-do list done, a fair amount at least.
--I now know first-hand how much a citation costs for having improper fare on the bus/lightrail. Because I got a warning two weeks ago, and now a citation tonight. I can explain the details of why the fare structure is unfair (not to mention overpriced), but the truth is that I knew I was riding outside of the zones the my pass is valid in. I’ve gotten away with it a million times, and I happened to get caught tonight.
It’s too much to even let get to me right now, so much of it. I saw Bennett’s email and barely even reacted this afternoon. I guess it’s time to start scouring CraigsList again. I’m feeling oddly detached from a lot of the crap (Bennett and the bus ticket) because there’s nothing I can do to change it at this point. I just have to keep moving forward. Pay the ticket and put effort back into the roommate search.
--I woke up at 5:00 with no alarm but my internal anxiety over a bunch of stuff I have to do for work that I am very behind on. Even in college, when I didn’t do anything until the last minute, as guilty and nerve-wracked as I felt, I didn’t wake myself up from anxiety. That’s a new practice my body has discovered, and I’m not a fan of it. It does it occasionally with Sandwich Line things, it’s happened for an anti-war group I was involved with, and now with work stuff. It’s the kind of thing that tells me that I’m incapable of taking on responsibilities without either 1) freaking out, or 2) getting my shit together and doing my tasks on time. Procrastination has been my forte since age 8 (approximately the age when you first receive homework/projects that take more than one day to do), and it about slaughtered me in college. It needs to stop. But I don’t know how. I make to-do lists and ignore them. I tell myself what treats I am not allowed until I do my tasks, and I ignore my self-directions. I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety over what I need to do, and I don’t change. I’m so tired of functioning this way.
--I subbed at the preschool today, which was not actually a bad thing. But it’s the second day of three that I’m there this week, due to the flu being passed around, and after each shift of 8-2, I get on the bus to go to work from 4-8:30. Tomorrow I have to get up even earlier so I can shower beforehand, because I feel like that would be the respectful thing to do. It makes me tired.
--My stomach is acting as if I am feeding it unhealthy food, which I am NOT. Not any more than usual, at least. I wish it would get a grip on itself.
--I got an email from Bennett, who is supposed to be moving into the Community in two weeks. He’s sorry for any inconvenience this causes, but he won’t be moving in. Super.
--The ladies at work are really stressed out right now, which causes drama at work. As I’ve said before, we have all the positive aspects of an all-women environment, but we also have all the negative aspects of an all-women environment. Especially when the majority of them have mental health diagnoses and are working on maintaining their sobriety. They’re all pretty fragile, and it’s continuing to come to a head. But I did get a lot of my to-do list done, a fair amount at least.
--I now know first-hand how much a citation costs for having improper fare on the bus/lightrail. Because I got a warning two weeks ago, and now a citation tonight. I can explain the details of why the fare structure is unfair (not to mention overpriced), but the truth is that I knew I was riding outside of the zones the my pass is valid in. I’ve gotten away with it a million times, and I happened to get caught tonight.
It’s too much to even let get to me right now, so much of it. I saw Bennett’s email and barely even reacted this afternoon. I guess it’s time to start scouring CraigsList again. I’m feeling oddly detached from a lot of the crap (Bennett and the bus ticket) because there’s nothing I can do to change it at this point. I just have to keep moving forward. Pay the ticket and put effort back into the roommate search.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 02:52 am (UTC)If things get too crappy you can always make an impromptu trip home :)
(Okay, maybe not, but I like the idea.)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 10:51 pm (UTC)Sorry about the poopy things.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-23 03:57 am (UTC)My body does this very same thing, and it affects my stomach as well. Only, as you remember, it did happen to me in college. It's pretty much the only reason that I started running. It gets all of that gross energy out of me... walking fast might do the same. When my tummy goes wonky, too, sometimes Meg's old IBS diet works... oatmeal, yogurt, bananas, carbs with less wheat. I know that none of this addresses the root cause... to which I can, for better or worse, also relate. It sounds incredibly cheesy, but I've actually found it very helpful at various times over the past couple of years to say a mantra over and over at the beginning of my day that goes something like this... I am smart enough. I am strong enough. etc. etc. I am enough. I can handle today. Have you ever read The Four Agreements? I am rereading it. Lets talk soon.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-23 04:31 am (UTC)I didn't make this one phone call I needed to.
I am a capable person.
I feel stupid for not knowing how to do this task.
I am a capable person.
I don't even have that woman's phone number to call her.
I am a capable person.
I never make time to call her.
I am a capable person.
Etc, etc, until you've exhausted the negatives you keep telling yourself. I've written it out before, and it helps, and when I can't sleep I've started doing it in my head.
The point is, yes, let's talk soon. You have exciting news, I hear, and I want to hear more about it!